Dependence is a funny thing. Independence is touted in our society as being of utmost importance. And it is. But letting yourself be dependent on others for certain things can create intimacy, I believe. Obviously, too much of a good thing is never...good, but I know that learning to let myself need Eric for certain things brings us closer. I have to admit that he makes me happy, and I want him around, and I don't want to be without him. He makes everything more fun. He makes being poor less traumatic.
I now am wondering whether I'm far too dependent on my friends. What am I dependent on them for? Their friendship? To make me feel as though I have friends? To make me feel part of something? Why does it bother me so when they flake on me or don't want to hang out or don't respond to invitations? I don't necessarily take it personally, but certainly part of me does. Last night I had plans with sarah to eat at colleen's with her new man friend and then head out to see Bright Eyes for free. None of it happened, and I am really regretful. She decided late in the afternoon that she needed to work out, and so she basically canceled everything. Then we had no one to go with, and no one seemed to want to come over. Tommy declined, Everett didn't text about coming over, and Conor had shit to do and needed to wait on Yoshi to get back from the field. I still wanted to go to the show, but we stopped to see Conor on the way and ended up missing the whole thing. I fucking hate that I missed it, and I hate Sarah for flaking. I hate that we have pretty flaky friends who aren't super reliable. Except Conor. I'm pretty much filled with hate right now. I don't want to see Sarah, and I want to somehow not be reliable for her so she can know what i feels like. I don't want to be there for any of them. I again am very happy that we chose to camp with Conor and Yoshi.
So, I was all trying to be in a place where I had no expectations of friends, just happy on my own and with Eric...then this happens, and I get all irritated all over again. I feel like I can't be close to them if I can't rely on them...so, it's hard for me to maintain a certain level of love and care for them when I don't feel respected. Am I just too dependent? Have I crossed the line?
House-sitting for Colleen is a dream. I just like that she asked, and I really enjoy texting with her :)
