Today I feel the depression seeping in. I've been magically thwarting it for the last few weeks, but it has officially made its presence known. As such, I've been manically looking for jobs all morning...even where none exist. I am starting to feel like a huge loser, and I hate when I feel pressure and sympathy for Eric from my friends or family. I just imagine that they're all thinking I'm suckling the teat of Eric, contributing nothing to our little family. I especially know this about Jason, given how he feels about Tommy and about being a "doer." They pushed me into calling Mara on Friday, and I felt really resistant toward that because it seemed inappropriate...and scary, frankly. I even lied to Jason on Friday night and told him I'd already called her. In actuality, I discussed it with Eric, and he suggested it'd be a better idea to give her until today and then call. Still no word from her. I've felt awful about it all day, and instead of biting the bullet and calling her, I messaged Ashley Alfieri.
Ok, it's a day later. I have decided against contacting Mara. I heard back from Ashley, and they already started team interviews.This communicated to me that Mara had remembered to schedule certain people, but not me. I was hurt by this knowledge, but I also thought that if she wanted me, she would've remembered me, and if I really wanted the job, I'd fight for it. As it stands, however, and as I admitted to myself during restless sleep last night, I do not want a job yet. I want to keep floating along this summer. As it gets closer to August, I'll be more dedicated in my search, feeling better about the time I'll have to ask off - two full weeks in August. I think I'm just going to look for part-time stuff until then, and if something great comes along, I'll apply. Otherwise, I'm not going to push it too much. I'll look for prn psych-tech stuff and whatnot, but I'm not going to push it because I'm scared to.
Why am I scared? Why can't I sleep at night? I left behind worrying about Burning Man and Element 11...now I've moved on to judging myself for how I feel about working.
Therapy yesterday was weird. I talked a lot about Eric and how his talking annoys me. By the end, I basically felt like Ruth dismissed what I'd talked about that session by saying, "this is the stuff that comes up when you're not in school..." As if to say, "this is the trivial stuff that arises when you don't have other things to focus on." She added, "That's not to say it's not important..." But I couldn't hear it...I felt she'd already admitted that she didn't think it was important. And I felt stupid.
Good things...well, it's probably indicative of something that it's hard for me to think of any strengths. I had a good coffee sesh with jason last week - it ran about 4-5 hours long, and I felt more confident afterward...more confident about my role in the group and validated for what I offer. The power of the introvert... I do think I offer a certain safety for others. I also felt validated in my feelings toward Conor and Yoshi because Jas has been feeling the same way. We sometimes feel like projects with them, and sometimes pushed to levels of intensity that we didn't choose.
I am feeling pretty hateful toward Yoshi right now. She ignored my text last week about hanging with me and Jas, and when she did respond, she said she had too much to do before she left. Then it became clear to me how annoyed I was that she has simply decided that she is staying with her friends in their theme camp at burning man. Because she has decided this without consulting anyone, it has sorta screwed things up for me/us. Her need for independence is annoying and unnecessary.
I went to breakfast last friday with conor, tommy, and jason, and it was nice to not have eric there. I felt like it was more balanced and people could speak more. I also felt more like myself and got to see how I can be fun and contribute to the group. I felt more free.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Colleen, colleen, colleen.
I've had a crush on Colleen, my professor and thesis advisor, since day one in her classroom. She had a profound effect on me. All during that first semester I found myself fantasizing about being with her...I'd never done that with a woman before. I wasn't alone in these feelings - it always seemed that Hayley and I were on the same page, harboring crushes, fanning the flames of each others' feelings with each new tidbit of personal info we'd find out about Colleen. Last semester I was jealous of her being in Colleen's couples' class and getting to hear Colleen talk about her relationship with Candace.
I was nervous when I first started meeting with Colleen as my supervisor during my practicum, yet I always felt comfortable enough to tell her exactly what I was feeling, even when she pissed me off, and I had to be slightly confrontational. She saw me go through a lot, and I relied heavily on her. I worried about sharing too much with her or being too personal, but she always quickly assured me that I was far from inappropriate. And truly, I realize that I still really restricted myself so as to keep it semi-professional. But she has an appeal to me, and I wanted to share everything about myself with her. I wished for her to know me.
I'm not surprised that I chose her as my thesis advisor; there were practical reasons, but I also think I wanted to keep contact with her. I'm glad I did. She was often scary to me, and she made me nervous all throughout our work together, but I think that's because of how much I liked her and wanted to impress her. It's also probably because of her manner - she's quiet as a professional, and it leaves me worrying about what's in the silence.
As the production of my thesis ended, and it became time to present it to the panel, Colleen invited me over to work on the presentation and review the slides. I thought, as did Aarika when I shared this with her, that she was attempting to bring me into her world. I definitely thought it was a small but significant thing. I was nervous. I did a shot beforehand. After the thesis defense, she hugged me and said, "we can hug now." I was thrilled. Super thrilled. Great ending to my career as a student.
A few weeks later we were emailing about some forms I needed signed, and she told me she and her partner/wife Candace wanted to take me and Eric and to dinner. I couldn't have been more surprised and thrilled and totally nerve wracked! :) She said she wanted to celebrate a job very well done. Even if the dinner had never occurred, her asking me that and saying that was all the recognition I would've ever needed. I would've felt special just with that.
The dinner occurred Friday night. I was nervous, of course. I had a couple drinks beforehand. It was immediately easy and comfortable(ish). We talked about everything - politics, relationships, religion, cities, etc... I was really happy about how open they both were, and it of course thrilled my soul everytime I learned something new about Colleen. I was also really surprised at how similar our relationships are. She was with someone, it seems, when she met Candace. They've been together for five years, married after two. Candace's family dynamics are similar to Eric's, and Colleen's relationship with Candace's parents is similar to mine with Eric's. I felt special for getting to know this about them, and I felt closer to them as it echoes so largely mine and Eric's story. It was also nice to hear Colleen say how well I'd done, very well, and that I clearly had worked hard. She asked about how I studied, which I thought was interesting. She also mentioned how I was going to help Janine with the couples' program - it was pleasing to know they had talked about that. She also funnily and firmly suggested that I'm going to do the Object Relations program with IPI. It's always nice to hear how confident they are about my abilities.
Other topics:
Jon Stewart/anthony weiner
burning man
pride weekend - greta, catalyst
our relationships (previously mentioned)
obama v. hilary
colleen's fear and worry over the gulf and other such matters
team sports (colleen plays softball very well)
Oh, they talked about their own analyses. Candace has been doing hers for three years, and Collen has been doing it for a year. I asked Candace what it had been like with Colleen - how has been? It was cool because she answered, and Colleen said, "hm, you've never said that before. how interesting." I selfishly felt good about myself for asking a question that was novel for them. I thought it was awesome that Candace has been in her own analysis.
I list because I hope it will help me to remember all parts of the evening, not just the parts that embarrass or worry me. For example, I'm super concerned about how we didn't even offer to pay. I mean, it was clear that they wanted to take us out, but it still feels so awkward now knowing how much my dinner was. I'm so embarrassed. I also have what might be anger about how much Eric talked. He's at two extremes - either dominating the convo or totally detached. There's a lot to that, and I'll have to get to that in a bit. I did kinda feel like if he weren't there always bringing shit back to him that I would've learned even more about them. I'm embarrassed by any phrase I might've used more than once or twice. I am experiencing extreme self-loathing, several times per day, a few seconds at a time. I was realizing that it was actually quite hard for me to remember ANYTHING about the dinner, aside from those things that embarrassed me. I mean, how insane am I? I had to talk about it with Eric yesterday to get him to tell me all the things he remembered and what his impressions of the evening were. As he talked, I found myself saying several times, 'OH yeah! that did happen." I mean, how sick am I that I just can't let myself have a nice, great evening without tearing it to shreds?
The weird thing is that I left feeling like a champ, telling everyone how great it was and describing why it was so great. However, i took mushrooms, and BAM, at home later it all changed. I'm still recovering, but I think it will get better. I felt better after I got my thank you card to them, feeling a bit of closure or something similar.
I was nervous when I first started meeting with Colleen as my supervisor during my practicum, yet I always felt comfortable enough to tell her exactly what I was feeling, even when she pissed me off, and I had to be slightly confrontational. She saw me go through a lot, and I relied heavily on her. I worried about sharing too much with her or being too personal, but she always quickly assured me that I was far from inappropriate. And truly, I realize that I still really restricted myself so as to keep it semi-professional. But she has an appeal to me, and I wanted to share everything about myself with her. I wished for her to know me.
I'm not surprised that I chose her as my thesis advisor; there were practical reasons, but I also think I wanted to keep contact with her. I'm glad I did. She was often scary to me, and she made me nervous all throughout our work together, but I think that's because of how much I liked her and wanted to impress her. It's also probably because of her manner - she's quiet as a professional, and it leaves me worrying about what's in the silence.
As the production of my thesis ended, and it became time to present it to the panel, Colleen invited me over to work on the presentation and review the slides. I thought, as did Aarika when I shared this with her, that she was attempting to bring me into her world. I definitely thought it was a small but significant thing. I was nervous. I did a shot beforehand. After the thesis defense, she hugged me and said, "we can hug now." I was thrilled. Super thrilled. Great ending to my career as a student.
A few weeks later we were emailing about some forms I needed signed, and she told me she and her partner/wife Candace wanted to take me and Eric and to dinner. I couldn't have been more surprised and thrilled and totally nerve wracked! :) She said she wanted to celebrate a job very well done. Even if the dinner had never occurred, her asking me that and saying that was all the recognition I would've ever needed. I would've felt special just with that.
The dinner occurred Friday night. I was nervous, of course. I had a couple drinks beforehand. It was immediately easy and comfortable(ish). We talked about everything - politics, relationships, religion, cities, etc... I was really happy about how open they both were, and it of course thrilled my soul everytime I learned something new about Colleen. I was also really surprised at how similar our relationships are. She was with someone, it seems, when she met Candace. They've been together for five years, married after two. Candace's family dynamics are similar to Eric's, and Colleen's relationship with Candace's parents is similar to mine with Eric's. I felt special for getting to know this about them, and I felt closer to them as it echoes so largely mine and Eric's story. It was also nice to hear Colleen say how well I'd done, very well, and that I clearly had worked hard. She asked about how I studied, which I thought was interesting. She also mentioned how I was going to help Janine with the couples' program - it was pleasing to know they had talked about that. She also funnily and firmly suggested that I'm going to do the Object Relations program with IPI. It's always nice to hear how confident they are about my abilities.
Other topics:
Jon Stewart/anthony weiner
burning man
pride weekend - greta, catalyst
our relationships (previously mentioned)
obama v. hilary
colleen's fear and worry over the gulf and other such matters
team sports (colleen plays softball very well)
Oh, they talked about their own analyses. Candace has been doing hers for three years, and Collen has been doing it for a year. I asked Candace what it had been like with Colleen - how has been? It was cool because she answered, and Colleen said, "hm, you've never said that before. how interesting." I selfishly felt good about myself for asking a question that was novel for them. I thought it was awesome that Candace has been in her own analysis.
I list because I hope it will help me to remember all parts of the evening, not just the parts that embarrass or worry me. For example, I'm super concerned about how we didn't even offer to pay. I mean, it was clear that they wanted to take us out, but it still feels so awkward now knowing how much my dinner was. I'm so embarrassed. I also have what might be anger about how much Eric talked. He's at two extremes - either dominating the convo or totally detached. There's a lot to that, and I'll have to get to that in a bit. I did kinda feel like if he weren't there always bringing shit back to him that I would've learned even more about them. I'm embarrassed by any phrase I might've used more than once or twice. I am experiencing extreme self-loathing, several times per day, a few seconds at a time. I was realizing that it was actually quite hard for me to remember ANYTHING about the dinner, aside from those things that embarrassed me. I mean, how insane am I? I had to talk about it with Eric yesterday to get him to tell me all the things he remembered and what his impressions of the evening were. As he talked, I found myself saying several times, 'OH yeah! that did happen." I mean, how sick am I that I just can't let myself have a nice, great evening without tearing it to shreds?
The weird thing is that I left feeling like a champ, telling everyone how great it was and describing why it was so great. However, i took mushrooms, and BAM, at home later it all changed. I'm still recovering, but I think it will get better. I felt better after I got my thank you card to them, feeling a bit of closure or something similar.
Friday, June 3, 2011
what a week.
it has been quite a week since i last wrote. there's so much i want to write about. i have spent many days not feeling great about myself, and i've also spent a lot of time being grateful for this time off and
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