Today I feel the depression seeping in. I've been magically thwarting it for the last few weeks, but it has officially made its presence known. As such, I've been manically looking for jobs all morning...even where none exist. I am starting to feel like a huge loser, and I hate when I feel pressure and sympathy for Eric from my friends or family. I just imagine that they're all thinking I'm suckling the teat of Eric, contributing nothing to our little family. I especially know this about Jason, given how he feels about Tommy and about being a "doer." They pushed me into calling Mara on Friday, and I felt really resistant toward that because it seemed inappropriate...and scary, frankly. I even lied to Jason on Friday night and told him I'd already called her. In actuality, I discussed it with Eric, and he suggested it'd be a better idea to give her until today and then call. Still no word from her. I've felt awful about it all day, and instead of biting the bullet and calling her, I messaged Ashley Alfieri.
Ok, it's a day later. I have decided against contacting Mara. I heard back from Ashley, and they already started team interviews.This communicated to me that Mara had remembered to schedule certain people, but not me. I was hurt by this knowledge, but I also thought that if she wanted me, she would've remembered me, and if I really wanted the job, I'd fight for it. As it stands, however, and as I admitted to myself during restless sleep last night, I do not want a job yet. I want to keep floating along this summer. As it gets closer to August, I'll be more dedicated in my search, feeling better about the time I'll have to ask off - two full weeks in August. I think I'm just going to look for part-time stuff until then, and if something great comes along, I'll apply. Otherwise, I'm not going to push it too much. I'll look for prn psych-tech stuff and whatnot, but I'm not going to push it because I'm scared to.
Why am I scared? Why can't I sleep at night? I left behind worrying about Burning Man and Element 11...now I've moved on to judging myself for how I feel about working.
Therapy yesterday was weird. I talked a lot about Eric and how his talking annoys me. By the end, I basically felt like Ruth dismissed what I'd talked about that session by saying, "this is the stuff that comes up when you're not in school..." As if to say, "this is the trivial stuff that arises when you don't have other things to focus on." She added, "That's not to say it's not important..." But I couldn't hear it...I felt she'd already admitted that she didn't think it was important. And I felt stupid.
Good things...well, it's probably indicative of something that it's hard for me to think of any strengths. I had a good coffee sesh with jason last week - it ran about 4-5 hours long, and I felt more confident afterward...more confident about my role in the group and validated for what I offer. The power of the introvert... I do think I offer a certain safety for others. I also felt validated in my feelings toward Conor and Yoshi because Jas has been feeling the same way. We sometimes feel like projects with them, and sometimes pushed to levels of intensity that we didn't choose.
I am feeling pretty hateful toward Yoshi right now. She ignored my text last week about hanging with me and Jas, and when she did respond, she said she had too much to do before she left. Then it became clear to me how annoyed I was that she has simply decided that she is staying with her friends in their theme camp at burning man. Because she has decided this without consulting anyone, it has sorta screwed things up for me/us. Her need for independence is annoying and unnecessary.
I went to breakfast last friday with conor, tommy, and jason, and it was nice to not have eric there. I felt like it was more balanced and people could speak more. I also felt more like myself and got to see how I can be fun and contribute to the group. I felt more free.
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