period log...an attempt at a different journal

7/13
I feel sad, a little lost, and abandoned. I feel scared. I feel happy for the taste of wine and the warmth it provides in my body. I feel sexually satisfied. I feel quite angry at a few of my friends, and i want to lash out. simultaneously, i feel very happy with and grateful for my sister who is almost always reliable and there for me, unlike other friends these days. I am angry that i find i cannot count on jason and tommy, mostly jason; i feel as though sarah does not want us around. I adore conor and yoshi and wish i could be with them more often. i am angry at my therapist.

I see a train. speeding. past me. i want to be on it. Canadian rockies. I want to be there. I want to see things. I do not want life to pass me by.

I hear buzzing in my room. It is annoying. I am worried for this weekend and the mounds of people that will be stacked upon one another. I am worried that I made Julie mad with changing my passwords. I have a an image of being laughed at. I have an image of me laughing.

7/14
Sad. scared of sarah. Hateful. I want to hurt sarah in return. i ahve an image of strangling sarah. An image of loving and hugging eric. and cody. and tommy hamby. and conor. and my sister and steve.

i see the planet dying. my life passing too quickly, me fearing i am not living.
simultaneously see a bountiful spread along with friends like sarah trying to take it away from me.

Sarah made a few comments to me last night at andy’s show that were hurtful. very hurtful. I felt stupid and uncool, which i can only assume is what she was hoping to achieve. trying to undue her own burden of such feelings. other than that, last night was an example of how far eric and i have come in the salt lake community. we knew many people and had many conversations. i was very proud of any and his work, and i love that it strikes a chord in me.

i thought the period of feeling abandoned by friends was over, but it is not. sarah seems to want to really piss us off and push us out, and she can do as she wishes. i will go. i will not withstand her bullshit. everett is coming over today for dinner before we go to a free concert downtown where we will likely be surrounded again by friends. i fear how she will behave, but i don’t want to back down by not attending the show.

eric was lovely and supportive last night when i was upset at the show.