I continue to be angry with sarah. she has managed to be the biggest bitch of all time. I wrote a letter to her that i will never send. she is narcissistic and disgustingly selfish most of the time. i will not stand for it any longer, and i don't have to be friends with her. i hope to eventually be like conor, or heed his advice, on the matter - be wherever you are, exuding love, and if she wants it, she can come and get it, but you're fine no matter what. i'm not there yet. today i'm still a litttle bitter, but i feel a bit of that released after writing the letter. i want to move into a place where she isn't a big deal to me, but i can't say that i'm at that place yet.

today i'm happy because it's friday, and eric got paid, and i can go get items we need. it's been a tight week financially. i always hate those weeks because i feel deprived, but i never really am deprived. i'm totally fine.

i missed out on dinner plans with everett last night; we had to cancel due to eric's illness (sinus infection). everett was really sweet about it, and nicely expressed how twilight wouldn't be the same without us. he also wrote us this really sweet text the other day about how grateful he is to have met us and whatnot. great text. i'll be very happy to see him tonight and continue building our friendship. i hope he gets to go to burning man.

i hope tommy is able to attend eric's show tonight. i'd like to see him. it was good to see him the other night. i wanted to continue going out that night with him, but i eventually realized/decided it was stupid to stay anywhere near sarah. i'd had enough of her being a bitch...to both me and eric.

i continue to feel bad and worried about not having a job. i plan to begin looking while i'm in ga next week, if i have the time with the computer. i at least need to set up profiles on monster and career builder because apparently that's where the more private institutions are advertising. i REALLY want to work somewhere private.

period log...an attempt at a different journal

7/13
I feel sad, a little lost, and abandoned. I feel scared. I feel happy for the taste of wine and the warmth it provides in my body. I feel sexually satisfied. I feel quite angry at a few of my friends, and i want to lash out. simultaneously, i feel very happy with and grateful for my sister who is almost always reliable and there for me, unlike other friends these days. I am angry that i find i cannot count on jason and tommy, mostly jason; i feel as though sarah does not want us around. I adore conor and yoshi and wish i could be with them more often. i am angry at my therapist.

I see a train. speeding. past me. i want to be on it. Canadian rockies. I want to be there. I want to see things. I do not want life to pass me by.

I hear buzzing in my room. It is annoying. I am worried for this weekend and the mounds of people that will be stacked upon one another. I am worried that I made Julie mad with changing my passwords. I have a an image of being laughed at. I have an image of me laughing.

7/14
Sad. scared of sarah. Hateful. I want to hurt sarah in return. i ahve an image of strangling sarah. An image of loving and hugging eric. and cody. and tommy hamby. and conor. and my sister and steve.

i see the planet dying. my life passing too quickly, me fearing i am not living.
simultaneously see a bountiful spread along with friends like sarah trying to take it away from me.

Sarah made a few comments to me last night at andy’s show that were hurtful. very hurtful. I felt stupid and uncool, which i can only assume is what she was hoping to achieve. trying to undue her own burden of such feelings. other than that, last night was an example of how far eric and i have come in the salt lake community. we knew many people and had many conversations. i was very proud of any and his work, and i love that it strikes a chord in me.

i thought the period of feeling abandoned by friends was over, but it is not. sarah seems to want to really piss us off and push us out, and she can do as she wishes. i will go. i will not withstand her bullshit. everett is coming over today for dinner before we go to a free concert downtown where we will likely be surrounded again by friends. i fear how she will behave, but i don’t want to back down by not attending the show.

eric was lovely and supportive last night when i was upset at the show.