dependence.

Dependence is a funny thing. Independence is touted in our society as being of utmost importance. And it is. But letting yourself be dependent on others for certain things can create intimacy, I believe. Obviously, too much of a good thing is never...good, but I know that learning to let myself need Eric for certain things brings us closer. I have to admit that he makes me happy, and I want him around, and I don't want to be without him. He makes everything more fun. He makes being poor less traumatic.

I now am wondering whether I'm far too dependent on my friends. What am I dependent on them for? Their friendship? To make me feel as though I have friends? To make me feel part of something? Why does it bother me so when they flake on me or don't want to hang out or don't respond to invitations? I don't necessarily take it personally, but certainly part of me does. Last night I had plans with sarah to eat at colleen's with her new man friend and then head out to see Bright Eyes for free. None of it happened, and I am really regretful. She decided late in the afternoon that she needed to work out, and so she basically canceled everything. Then we had no one to go with, and no one seemed to want to come over. Tommy declined, Everett didn't text about coming over, and Conor had shit to do and needed to wait on Yoshi to get back from the field. I still wanted to go to the show, but we stopped to see Conor on the way and ended up missing the whole thing. I fucking hate that I missed it, and I hate Sarah for flaking. I hate that we have pretty flaky friends who aren't super reliable. Except Conor. I'm pretty much filled with hate right now. I don't want to see Sarah, and I want to somehow not be reliable for her so she can know what i feels like. I don't want to be there for any of them. I again am very happy that we chose to camp with Conor and Yoshi.

So, I was all trying to be in a place where I had no expectations of friends, just happy on my own and with Eric...then this happens, and I get all irritated all over again. I feel like I can't be close to them if I can't rely on them...so, it's hard for me to maintain a certain level of love and care for them when I don't feel respected. Am I just too dependent? Have I crossed the line?

House-sitting for Colleen is a dream. I just like that she asked, and I really enjoy texting with her :)

I continue to be angry with sarah. she has managed to be the biggest bitch of all time. I wrote a letter to her that i will never send. she is narcissistic and disgustingly selfish most of the time. i will not stand for it any longer, and i don't have to be friends with her. i hope to eventually be like conor, or heed his advice, on the matter - be wherever you are, exuding love, and if she wants it, she can come and get it, but you're fine no matter what. i'm not there yet. today i'm still a litttle bitter, but i feel a bit of that released after writing the letter. i want to move into a place where she isn't a big deal to me, but i can't say that i'm at that place yet.

today i'm happy because it's friday, and eric got paid, and i can go get items we need. it's been a tight week financially. i always hate those weeks because i feel deprived, but i never really am deprived. i'm totally fine.

i missed out on dinner plans with everett last night; we had to cancel due to eric's illness (sinus infection). everett was really sweet about it, and nicely expressed how twilight wouldn't be the same without us. he also wrote us this really sweet text the other day about how grateful he is to have met us and whatnot. great text. i'll be very happy to see him tonight and continue building our friendship. i hope he gets to go to burning man.

i hope tommy is able to attend eric's show tonight. i'd like to see him. it was good to see him the other night. i wanted to continue going out that night with him, but i eventually realized/decided it was stupid to stay anywhere near sarah. i'd had enough of her being a bitch...to both me and eric.

i continue to feel bad and worried about not having a job. i plan to begin looking while i'm in ga next week, if i have the time with the computer. i at least need to set up profiles on monster and career builder because apparently that's where the more private institutions are advertising. i REALLY want to work somewhere private.

period log...an attempt at a different journal

7/13
I feel sad, a little lost, and abandoned. I feel scared. I feel happy for the taste of wine and the warmth it provides in my body. I feel sexually satisfied. I feel quite angry at a few of my friends, and i want to lash out. simultaneously, i feel very happy with and grateful for my sister who is almost always reliable and there for me, unlike other friends these days. I am angry that i find i cannot count on jason and tommy, mostly jason; i feel as though sarah does not want us around. I adore conor and yoshi and wish i could be with them more often. i am angry at my therapist.

I see a train. speeding. past me. i want to be on it. Canadian rockies. I want to be there. I want to see things. I do not want life to pass me by.

I hear buzzing in my room. It is annoying. I am worried for this weekend and the mounds of people that will be stacked upon one another. I am worried that I made Julie mad with changing my passwords. I have a an image of being laughed at. I have an image of me laughing.

7/14
Sad. scared of sarah. Hateful. I want to hurt sarah in return. i ahve an image of strangling sarah. An image of loving and hugging eric. and cody. and tommy hamby. and conor. and my sister and steve.

i see the planet dying. my life passing too quickly, me fearing i am not living.
simultaneously see a bountiful spread along with friends like sarah trying to take it away from me.

Sarah made a few comments to me last night at andy’s show that were hurtful. very hurtful. I felt stupid and uncool, which i can only assume is what she was hoping to achieve. trying to undue her own burden of such feelings. other than that, last night was an example of how far eric and i have come in the salt lake community. we knew many people and had many conversations. i was very proud of any and his work, and i love that it strikes a chord in me.

i thought the period of feeling abandoned by friends was over, but it is not. sarah seems to want to really piss us off and push us out, and she can do as she wishes. i will go. i will not withstand her bullshit. everett is coming over today for dinner before we go to a free concert downtown where we will likely be surrounded again by friends. i fear how she will behave, but i don’t want to back down by not attending the show.

eric was lovely and supportive last night when i was upset at the show.

The depression has finally arrived.

Today I feel the depression seeping in. I've been magically thwarting it for the last few weeks, but it has officially made its presence known. As such, I've been manically looking for jobs all morning...even where none exist. I am starting to feel like a huge loser, and I hate when I feel pressure and sympathy for Eric from my friends or family. I just imagine that they're all thinking I'm suckling the teat of Eric, contributing nothing to our little family. I especially know this about Jason, given how he feels about Tommy and about being a "doer." They pushed me into calling Mara on Friday, and I felt really resistant toward that because it seemed inappropriate...and scary, frankly. I even lied to Jason on Friday night and told him I'd already called her. In actuality, I discussed it with Eric, and he suggested it'd be a better idea to give her until today and then call. Still no word from her. I've felt awful about it all day, and instead of biting the bullet and calling her, I messaged Ashley Alfieri.

Ok, it's a day later. I have decided against contacting Mara. I heard back from Ashley, and they already started team interviews.This communicated to me that Mara had remembered to schedule certain people, but not me. I was hurt by this knowledge, but I also thought that if she wanted me, she would've remembered me, and if I really wanted the job, I'd fight for it. As it stands, however, and as I admitted to myself during restless sleep last night, I do not want a job yet. I want to keep floating along this summer. As it gets closer to August, I'll be more dedicated in my search, feeling better about the time I'll have to ask off - two full weeks in August. I think I'm just going to look for part-time stuff until then, and if something great comes along, I'll apply. Otherwise, I'm not going to push it too much. I'll look for prn psych-tech stuff and whatnot, but I'm not going to push it because I'm scared to.

Why am I scared? Why can't I sleep at night? I left behind worrying about Burning Man and Element 11...now I've moved on to judging myself for how I feel about working.

Therapy yesterday was weird. I talked a lot about Eric and how his talking annoys me. By the end, I basically felt like Ruth dismissed what I'd talked about that session by saying, "this is the stuff that comes up when you're not in school..." As if to say, "this is the trivial stuff that arises when you don't have other things to focus on." She added, "That's not to say it's not important..." But I couldn't hear it...I felt she'd already admitted that she didn't think it was important. And I felt stupid.

Good things...well, it's probably indicative of something that it's hard for me to think of any strengths. I had a good coffee sesh with jason last week - it ran about 4-5 hours long, and I felt more confident afterward...more confident about my role in the group and validated for what I offer. The power of the introvert... I do think I offer a certain safety for others. I also felt validated in my feelings toward Conor and Yoshi because Jas has been feeling the same way. We sometimes feel like projects with them, and sometimes pushed to levels of intensity that we didn't choose.

I am feeling pretty hateful toward Yoshi right now. She ignored my text last week about hanging with me and Jas, and when she did respond, she said she had too much to do before she left. Then it became clear to me how annoyed I was that she has simply decided that she is staying with her friends in their theme camp at burning man. Because she has decided this without consulting anyone, it has sorta screwed things up for me/us. Her need for independence is annoying and unnecessary.

I went to breakfast last friday with conor, tommy, and jason, and it was nice to not have eric there. I felt like it was more balanced and people could speak more. I also felt more like myself and got to see how I can be fun and contribute to the group. I felt more free.

Colleen, colleen, colleen.

I've had a crush on Colleen, my professor and thesis advisor, since day one in her classroom. She had a profound effect on me. All during that first semester I found myself fantasizing about being with her...I'd never done that with a woman before. I wasn't alone in these feelings - it always seemed that Hayley and I were on the same page, harboring crushes, fanning the flames of each others' feelings with each new tidbit of personal info we'd find out about Colleen. Last semester I was jealous of her being in Colleen's couples' class and getting to hear Colleen talk about her relationship with Candace.

I was nervous when I first started meeting with Colleen as my supervisor during my practicum, yet I always felt comfortable enough to tell her exactly what I was feeling, even when she pissed me off, and I had to be slightly confrontational. She saw me go through a lot, and I relied heavily on her. I worried about sharing too much with her or being too personal, but she always quickly assured me that I was far from inappropriate. And truly, I realize that I still really restricted myself so as to keep it semi-professional. But she has an appeal to me, and I wanted to share everything about myself with her. I wished for her to know me.

I'm not surprised that I chose her as my thesis advisor; there were practical reasons, but I also think I wanted to keep contact with her. I'm glad I did. She was often scary to me, and she made me nervous all throughout our work together, but I think that's because of how much I liked her and wanted to impress her. It's also probably because of her manner - she's quiet as a professional, and it leaves me worrying about what's in the silence.

As the production of my thesis ended, and it became time to present it to the panel, Colleen invited me over to work on the presentation and review the slides. I thought, as did Aarika when I shared this with her, that she was attempting to bring me into her world. I definitely thought it was a small but significant thing. I was nervous. I did a shot beforehand. After the thesis defense, she hugged me and said, "we can hug now." I was thrilled. Super thrilled. Great ending to my career as a student.

A few weeks later we were emailing about some forms I needed signed, and she told me she and her partner/wife Candace wanted to take me and Eric and to dinner. I couldn't have been more surprised and thrilled and totally nerve wracked! :) She said she wanted to celebrate a job very well done. Even if the dinner had never occurred, her asking me that and saying that was all the recognition I would've ever needed. I would've felt special just with that.

The dinner occurred Friday night. I was nervous, of course. I had a couple drinks beforehand. It was immediately easy and comfortable(ish). We talked about everything - politics, relationships, religion, cities, etc... I was really happy about how open they both were, and it of course thrilled my soul everytime I learned something new about Colleen. I was also really surprised at how similar our relationships are. She was with someone, it seems, when she met Candace. They've been together for five years, married after two. Candace's family dynamics are similar to Eric's, and Colleen's relationship with Candace's parents is similar to mine with Eric's. I felt special for getting to know this about them, and I felt closer to them as it echoes so largely mine and Eric's story. It was also nice to hear Colleen say how well I'd done, very well, and that I clearly had worked hard. She asked about how I studied, which I thought was interesting. She also mentioned how I was going to help Janine with the couples' program - it was pleasing to know they had talked about that. She also funnily and firmly suggested that I'm going to do the Object Relations program with IPI. It's always nice to hear how confident they are about my abilities.
Other topics:
Jon Stewart/anthony weiner
burning man
pride weekend - greta, catalyst
our relationships (previously mentioned)
obama v. hilary
colleen's fear and worry over the gulf and other such matters
team sports (colleen plays softball very well)
Oh, they talked about their own analyses. Candace has been doing hers for three years, and Collen has been doing it for a year. I asked Candace what it had been like with Colleen - how has been? It was cool because she answered, and Colleen said, "hm, you've never said that before. how interesting." I selfishly felt good about myself for asking a question that was novel for them. I thought it was awesome that Candace has been in her own analysis.

I list because I hope it will help me to remember all parts of the evening, not just the parts that embarrass or worry me. For example, I'm super concerned about how we didn't even offer to pay. I mean, it was clear that they wanted to take us out, but it still feels so awkward now knowing how much my dinner was. I'm so embarrassed. I also have what might be anger about how much Eric talked. He's at two extremes - either dominating the convo or totally detached. There's a lot to that, and I'll have to get to that in a bit. I did kinda feel like if he weren't there always bringing shit back to him that I would've learned even more about them. I'm embarrassed by any phrase I might've used more than once or twice. I am experiencing extreme self-loathing, several times per day, a few seconds at a time. I was realizing that it was actually quite hard for me to remember ANYTHING about the dinner, aside from those things that embarrassed me. I mean, how insane am I? I had to talk about it with Eric yesterday to get him to tell me all the things he remembered and what his impressions of the evening were. As he talked, I found myself saying several times, 'OH yeah! that did happen." I mean, how sick am I that I just can't let myself have a nice, great evening without tearing it to shreds?

The weird thing is that I left feeling like a champ, telling everyone how great it was and describing why it was so great. However, i took mushrooms, and BAM, at home later it all changed. I'm still recovering, but I think it will get better. I felt better after I got my thank you card to them, feeling a bit of closure or something similar.

what a week.

it has been quite a week since i last wrote. there's so much i want to write about. i have spent many days not feeling great about myself, and i've also spent a lot of time being grateful for this time off and

hood rat.

tonight is the hooding ceremony for my MSPC degree. i am, for some reason, a bundle of nerves. i didn't get enough sleep, so that's one thing; i am super excited for tomorrow night (benny benassi/mdma), so that gets my stomach all excited every time i think about it; i keep forgetting to eat; and i am, frankly, probably worried that i'll say something stupid or awkward tonight to someone that i want to think of me as brilliant and lovely. i am also worried that the people coming to support me will get along and mingle and not make me have to worry about them....i mean, who knows?! i just really can't place why i'm so worried. maybe it's the lack of sleep amplifying otherwise more neutral feelings. but really, what's the worst that could happen? so what if i say something stupid? it's not like it will be ill-intentioned. as ruth kinda said in our last session, "who are they to judge? what kind of person would judge you for that? think about that." or, at least that's how i understood what she was saying. also, it's not totally my responsibility to make sure everyone gets what they need and/or gets along and behaves in a mature and socially adept manner. all i know is, everytime i'm with nicki, i'm amazed at how well we get along and how easy it is. what i can be thankful for is that everyone is putting so much love and effort toward me today, and i gotta think that says something about me as a person. so maybe i should focus on that instead of all there is to worry about.

i should also focus on my last time with these people as a group, my last time with these professors as a group. it will be hard to say goodbye to them, and i guess part of my nerves pertain to the fact that i don't know what the goodbye will look like. will it be awkward? will i say something stupid/awkward? again, i know that it will be well-intentioned, so what does it matter?

you are fine, ashley. you are just fine. know this. whatever happens, you are safe, and you are fine.