hood rat.

tonight is the hooding ceremony for my MSPC degree. i am, for some reason, a bundle of nerves. i didn't get enough sleep, so that's one thing; i am super excited for tomorrow night (benny benassi/mdma), so that gets my stomach all excited every time i think about it; i keep forgetting to eat; and i am, frankly, probably worried that i'll say something stupid or awkward tonight to someone that i want to think of me as brilliant and lovely. i am also worried that the people coming to support me will get along and mingle and not make me have to worry about them....i mean, who knows?! i just really can't place why i'm so worried. maybe it's the lack of sleep amplifying otherwise more neutral feelings. but really, what's the worst that could happen? so what if i say something stupid? it's not like it will be ill-intentioned. as ruth kinda said in our last session, "who are they to judge? what kind of person would judge you for that? think about that." or, at least that's how i understood what she was saying. also, it's not totally my responsibility to make sure everyone gets what they need and/or gets along and behaves in a mature and socially adept manner. all i know is, everytime i'm with nicki, i'm amazed at how well we get along and how easy it is. what i can be thankful for is that everyone is putting so much love and effort toward me today, and i gotta think that says something about me as a person. so maybe i should focus on that instead of all there is to worry about.

i should also focus on my last time with these people as a group, my last time with these professors as a group. it will be hard to say goodbye to them, and i guess part of my nerves pertain to the fact that i don't know what the goodbye will look like. will it be awkward? will i say something stupid/awkward? again, i know that it will be well-intentioned, so what does it matter?

you are fine, ashley. you are just fine. know this. whatever happens, you are safe, and you are fine.