Yelle brings conflicting feelings.

I went to a show last night - Yelle. She was super cute and seemed to be having a blast. I appreciated that. She was wearing this red, leopard print onesie, and her ass looked so cute I could bite it. She's a tiny woman making all this commotion on stage, and she seemed to successfully lure everyone into having a blast, including myself. I began the night feeling off and upset. I have these two friends from whom I've been feeling quite distant as of late. They are, usually, my and my husband's best (couple) friends, but we've barely hung out with them in the last few weeks. We keep wracking our brains trying to figure out what we're doing wrong or how we can make it better, but nothing seems to work, leading us to believe that our efforts aren't the issue; rather, it's their effort that's of concern. Which then leads me to question how much they value our friendship and at what point did we become the ones holding the value, with them holding none of it?

Well, we discussed this with a couple friends, and we realized we could talk about it until the end of time, but we'd never really know the reasons unless we spoke with them directly. Our plans to have some quality time with them to have a frank discussion this week seem to have fallen through the cracks. However, I have a feeling that one of our mutual friends alerted the besties to our feelings because the besties were blowing up our spots all weekend (while were out of town) and have been semi-up-in-our-grills this week. Then things took a turn for the worse yesterday as I asked them to see what they were doing after work/prior to Yelle. You see, we had been planning forever to go together, and Eric and I had conceived of it as good QT with them, thinking we didn't want to press other members of the crew to go since we wanted some focused time with them. Well, he and I were the only ones in on that conceptualization, apparently, and that was hurtful. Our idea that we would pre-party before the show and really breathe some new life into the friendship was rejected when we learned that they had several other plans prior to the show that did not include us.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I was hurt and angry and irritated. Perhaps some of that irritation was with myself, thinking that I'd somehow failed to effectively communicate our conceptualization of the evening. At the same time, however, we were all working with the same amount of information, and I'm curious as to why we interpreted it one way and they interpreted it another? Apparently the evening was no big deal to them, apparently it wasn't important to see us. We hear from them when they're standing in line at the show, waiting to get in. They were there far too early for our tastes, and I think they were regretting their choice. I had this feeling of, "well, suck it up; that's what you get for failing to include us in your plans for the evening...you miss out on our concert expertise." I'm not proud of feeling that way, yet I know it's not helpful to judge how I feel, so i'm attempting to accept and allow my feelings to be what they are.

When we saw them at the show, they were really warm and receptive and cuddly. For a few seconds I was reminded of why I love them so much, which made it all the more painful when I remembered that I wasn't settled with them, and I wasn't ready to just jump back into being OK. I was also disappointed that they were there with so many people, namely tommy's family. I didn't really want to talk to them. I kinda looked away a lot and scanned the crowd. At one point everyone was in front of me, seemingly forgetting I was there. That felt awful. I couldn't take what I was feeling and wanted to enjoy the show, so I quietly moved away to the side of the stage where the crowd was thinner, and I'd actually be able to see Yelle. A few minutes later i saw Eric looking for me. I felt so relieved. He came over and wanted to stay with me, insisting that he didn't want/need to go back over to be with them.

Then there's the issue of being jealous of and experiencing hatred toward my husband. I FUCKING HATE HIM for how he handles shit like this. I am ALWAYS the one left holding all of the negative feelings when it comes time for confrontation. He sees them last night and suddenly everything's fine and forgotten, and I look like the crazy person. But at the same time, why can't I just be OK with being the one with the feelings and not need him to feel exactly like me? And then I think - well, that's fucking bullshit. He does feel the same as I, but he comes of as the fucking hero and the awesome one out of the two of us

Suffice it to say, today is not a day where I like and accept myself. Rather, I hate myself. I'm not sure what good I could possibly bring into relationships and friendships when I see myself as so crazy and unlovable. I guess i'm also regretting the fun I could've had with both of them. But I had fun with Tommy last Thursday night, and that didn't really do anything for us. So, who knows.

One strength I have? Being able to communicate with Tommy about how he made me feel with his text. I think I communicated my feelings well without being accusatory or super confrontational.