changes.

big changes at work. i'm not happy that amanda ran the company into the ground or that shaun was basically fired because amanda didn't manage him appropriately the last two years. i was quite sad at work yesterday because of this, fighting back tears as shaun was forced to explain certain things to us. he showed more discipline than i would've - i would've bolted and told ross to fuck himself if he asked me to show him how to do something. what i liked about myself, however, is that i noticed how i've grown in the last year...the past few months have been full of goodbyes, and i learned something about myself along the way. i don't immediately emote when i hear bad news. i kinda go into shock for a while, intellectually processing what it means. this time, however, i knew i was doing that, and i knew the sadness would eventually come once faced with the reality of the situation. it didn't take me by surprise that i wept as he packed up his things or looked into his eyes and saw his own tears. i just looked right into his eyes as much as i could and tried to treat him with dignity and communicate my own feelings about his situation. i was proud of myself for being aware enough to do such things, if i'm being completely honest.

i also like about myself that i didn't subsequently totally kiss up to ross in order to maintain some sort of stability there. i am confident that he needs me, and i'm confident i don't respect him enough to lay aside my feelings and act like i'm totally OK. i certainly don't respect that he made chad give shaun the news about his firing. that's preposterous.

i was thrilled because tommy asked for my help in searching for a gift for jason, to "taxi" him around yesterday, as it were. i feel like things are moving back to where they should be with him. jason's out of town this weekend, and it means we get more time with tommy on his own, and i really have enjoyed that thus far. last night he and conor and ted and sarah and andy ended up at our apt. as everyone gathered around eric, around the computer as he showed pics and videos, i decided i wouldn't try to keep up with that and act enthused. rather, i allowed myself to simply lie on the couch and watch from a short distance. i was content. soon conor followed me, and laid down on the floor next to me to have a chat. love that about him. the rest of the evening followed suit - i frequently ended up on the couch with one or two people next to me, comfortably discussing whatever big or small matter that arose. i really enjoyed sitting next to tommy, just chatting and looking at magazines. it's during those times that he often lets slip some of his deeper thoughts or concerns that may be sitting in the back of his mind. last night's confession? he randomly divulged, "you know, my family didn't get me anything for my graduation. not one thing." i acted as though it was the first i'd heard of this, but jason had already told me. i hope i changed his perspective on it a little when i asked if he was the first to graduate...yes, he is. i guess my point was that it was slightly unfamiliar territory for them. anyway, i just really liked how last night went. i realized how much i've missed conor also. he's so wonderful, and i will miss him while he's in peru.

i didn't allow the feelings of competition and comparison to enter last night. well, i acknowledged them, but didn't give them much weight or thought...this is mostly in relation to the mention of yoshi. i have to learn to let her be her, let her life be hers while i appreciate mine and where i am. i am loved for where i am and who i am.

eric, very sweetly, posted a status update about my graduating my program with a 4.0. many nice "likes" from his/our friends, but only one from his family - michael. not even a like from randi, julie, tommy, tessa, etc...this doesn't surprise me. meanwhile, they all celebrated nate's graduating with his phd, but simultaneously failed to mention leah in their celebrations, who was also graduating with her phd. his family is fucked, in my humble opinion. thank god for my family. and my friends, who are increasingly like family.