hood rat.

tonight is the hooding ceremony for my MSPC degree. i am, for some reason, a bundle of nerves. i didn't get enough sleep, so that's one thing; i am super excited for tomorrow night (benny benassi/mdma), so that gets my stomach all excited every time i think about it; i keep forgetting to eat; and i am, frankly, probably worried that i'll say something stupid or awkward tonight to someone that i want to think of me as brilliant and lovely. i am also worried that the people coming to support me will get along and mingle and not make me have to worry about them....i mean, who knows?! i just really can't place why i'm so worried. maybe it's the lack of sleep amplifying otherwise more neutral feelings. but really, what's the worst that could happen? so what if i say something stupid? it's not like it will be ill-intentioned. as ruth kinda said in our last session, "who are they to judge? what kind of person would judge you for that? think about that." or, at least that's how i understood what she was saying. also, it's not totally my responsibility to make sure everyone gets what they need and/or gets along and behaves in a mature and socially adept manner. all i know is, everytime i'm with nicki, i'm amazed at how well we get along and how easy it is. what i can be thankful for is that everyone is putting so much love and effort toward me today, and i gotta think that says something about me as a person. so maybe i should focus on that instead of all there is to worry about.

i should also focus on my last time with these people as a group, my last time with these professors as a group. it will be hard to say goodbye to them, and i guess part of my nerves pertain to the fact that i don't know what the goodbye will look like. will it be awkward? will i say something stupid/awkward? again, i know that it will be well-intentioned, so what does it matter?

you are fine, ashley. you are just fine. know this. whatever happens, you are safe, and you are fine.

conor.

i've never met someone like him who isn't a therapist or therapist-in-training. last night as he tried to heap praise upon me, i had a really hard time hearing it/receiving it, and he totally picked up on this and joked, "that's fine, ashley, don't let it in! push it away! don't receive it!" i couldn't. something for me to work on.

changes.

big changes at work. i'm not happy that amanda ran the company into the ground or that shaun was basically fired because amanda didn't manage him appropriately the last two years. i was quite sad at work yesterday because of this, fighting back tears as shaun was forced to explain certain things to us. he showed more discipline than i would've - i would've bolted and told ross to fuck himself if he asked me to show him how to do something. what i liked about myself, however, is that i noticed how i've grown in the last year...the past few months have been full of goodbyes, and i learned something about myself along the way. i don't immediately emote when i hear bad news. i kinda go into shock for a while, intellectually processing what it means. this time, however, i knew i was doing that, and i knew the sadness would eventually come once faced with the reality of the situation. it didn't take me by surprise that i wept as he packed up his things or looked into his eyes and saw his own tears. i just looked right into his eyes as much as i could and tried to treat him with dignity and communicate my own feelings about his situation. i was proud of myself for being aware enough to do such things, if i'm being completely honest.

i also like about myself that i didn't subsequently totally kiss up to ross in order to maintain some sort of stability there. i am confident that he needs me, and i'm confident i don't respect him enough to lay aside my feelings and act like i'm totally OK. i certainly don't respect that he made chad give shaun the news about his firing. that's preposterous.

i was thrilled because tommy asked for my help in searching for a gift for jason, to "taxi" him around yesterday, as it were. i feel like things are moving back to where they should be with him. jason's out of town this weekend, and it means we get more time with tommy on his own, and i really have enjoyed that thus far. last night he and conor and ted and sarah and andy ended up at our apt. as everyone gathered around eric, around the computer as he showed pics and videos, i decided i wouldn't try to keep up with that and act enthused. rather, i allowed myself to simply lie on the couch and watch from a short distance. i was content. soon conor followed me, and laid down on the floor next to me to have a chat. love that about him. the rest of the evening followed suit - i frequently ended up on the couch with one or two people next to me, comfortably discussing whatever big or small matter that arose. i really enjoyed sitting next to tommy, just chatting and looking at magazines. it's during those times that he often lets slip some of his deeper thoughts or concerns that may be sitting in the back of his mind. last night's confession? he randomly divulged, "you know, my family didn't get me anything for my graduation. not one thing." i acted as though it was the first i'd heard of this, but jason had already told me. i hope i changed his perspective on it a little when i asked if he was the first to graduate...yes, he is. i guess my point was that it was slightly unfamiliar territory for them. anyway, i just really liked how last night went. i realized how much i've missed conor also. he's so wonderful, and i will miss him while he's in peru.

i didn't allow the feelings of competition and comparison to enter last night. well, i acknowledged them, but didn't give them much weight or thought...this is mostly in relation to the mention of yoshi. i have to learn to let her be her, let her life be hers while i appreciate mine and where i am. i am loved for where i am and who i am.

eric, very sweetly, posted a status update about my graduating my program with a 4.0. many nice "likes" from his/our friends, but only one from his family - michael. not even a like from randi, julie, tommy, tessa, etc...this doesn't surprise me. meanwhile, they all celebrated nate's graduating with his phd, but simultaneously failed to mention leah in their celebrations, who was also graduating with her phd. his family is fucked, in my humble opinion. thank god for my family. and my friends, who are increasingly like family.

I want to be good at something!

I want to be good at something, but I have no clue what that might be. I can't really say what it is I want to perfect. I want it to be this brilliant combination of serving my own strengths and desires while also being something that others can appreciate.

Also, maybe I should honor my current love of sitting here writing and reading. What if i just became better at that?

Renewals.

I pushed myself on Sunday to text Jason and Tommy to thank them for "babysitting" me on Saturday night. I had a lovely time with them, and since Eric wasn't there, I felt like I got to show my personality and remind them of why they like me. They responded quickly and nicely, so I was proud of myself for putting myself out there like that, much like I've done in the past but have been hesitant to do lately. Before that, I pushed myself on Saturday to text them to inform them I'd be inviting myself to hang with them that night. This too was responded to quickly and with warmth.

I again pushed myself when on Monday I texted Jason to reiterate that I wanted to get tea with him one afternoon this week. Again, he responded quickly and with warm and receptivity. Hm, that's three times in this one post. Maybe I should be more confident and believe they want to see me/hang out with me? :)

He and I got tea yesterday afternoon, and we got into our nice, familiar place eventually. I was so glad to be back there. He gave me an opening to discuss my feelings about the state of our foursome, and we began on a really nice and honest discussion of what we've been thinking and feeling and (mis)communicating over the last few weeks. I was glad that part of his distance was due to his own feelings of jealousy re: Conor; also due to his introverted persuasion - missing us less when all he was getting anyway was large group hangouts. I said to him several times, "Nothing has changed for us - we would still hang out with you guys all the time, every day." The first few times he'd just look at me, and I thought it was that he was thinking he didn't at all feel the same way. But based on how he explained himself subsequently, I think he couldn't take it what I was saying, couldn't believe that we really did miss him and want to see him that frequently. This, of course, is why it's so necessary to communicate and why it's good for me to trust my instincts about something not being quite right. I'd say that's a strength - my instincts, and my wisdom about knowing a discussion is necessary. Bottom line, I felt much better afterward, and I felt confident that we would all move into a better place...authentically and with awareness of what we all just experienced.

Later that evening Jas texted to ask me to go to a movie with him and Tommy and Justin. I accepted, and Eric joined. It was great to see them and experience that with them. Felt like old times.

Basically, I'm proud of my ability to communicate, and the bravery I exhibited when I saw an opportunity to have this talk with him and immediately went after it and honestly expressed my feelings. Good for me.

It's the little things.

I have laid the groundwork, somewhat, for this blogperience, so now I will turn the majority of my focus to new activities I will incorporate into my life in order to examine the rise and fall of my confidence in myself. I'm starting with small stuff. For example, I texted my friend Jason today to reiterate my interest in doing tea with him one afternoon this week. I really hate making myself vulnerable to him, to anyone, but it's time that I start detaching from my ego when and where possible. This is one of those instances. In NYC, I was never afraid to do such things. I rarely took rejection personally; on to the next, rather. NYC Ashley would've thought, "It's OK if he says no, I know I tried, and I know he likes me, so I know it's not about me if he says no." I need to get that attitude back - it was a happier and freer space in which to live. He responded positively, but I did put it into his court as far as letting me know when he's available...as I don't work on Tuesdays and thursdays and am pretty open.

Also, on Friday at my pt job, I was asked to take over some collections calls. I decided to dive right into it rather than let the anxiety get to me. Turns out, I'm a pretty good communicator and facilitator in the world of collections. I was proud of myself at the end of the day, and so was my boss. I was really proud of how I did something that was really uncomfortable for me, but I did it, and I did it in my own individual way that felt honest and authentic and kind.

Yelle brings conflicting feelings.

I went to a show last night - Yelle. She was super cute and seemed to be having a blast. I appreciated that. She was wearing this red, leopard print onesie, and her ass looked so cute I could bite it. She's a tiny woman making all this commotion on stage, and she seemed to successfully lure everyone into having a blast, including myself. I began the night feeling off and upset. I have these two friends from whom I've been feeling quite distant as of late. They are, usually, my and my husband's best (couple) friends, but we've barely hung out with them in the last few weeks. We keep wracking our brains trying to figure out what we're doing wrong or how we can make it better, but nothing seems to work, leading us to believe that our efforts aren't the issue; rather, it's their effort that's of concern. Which then leads me to question how much they value our friendship and at what point did we become the ones holding the value, with them holding none of it?

Well, we discussed this with a couple friends, and we realized we could talk about it until the end of time, but we'd never really know the reasons unless we spoke with them directly. Our plans to have some quality time with them to have a frank discussion this week seem to have fallen through the cracks. However, I have a feeling that one of our mutual friends alerted the besties to our feelings because the besties were blowing up our spots all weekend (while were out of town) and have been semi-up-in-our-grills this week. Then things took a turn for the worse yesterday as I asked them to see what they were doing after work/prior to Yelle. You see, we had been planning forever to go together, and Eric and I had conceived of it as good QT with them, thinking we didn't want to press other members of the crew to go since we wanted some focused time with them. Well, he and I were the only ones in on that conceptualization, apparently, and that was hurtful. Our idea that we would pre-party before the show and really breathe some new life into the friendship was rejected when we learned that they had several other plans prior to the show that did not include us.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I was hurt and angry and irritated. Perhaps some of that irritation was with myself, thinking that I'd somehow failed to effectively communicate our conceptualization of the evening. At the same time, however, we were all working with the same amount of information, and I'm curious as to why we interpreted it one way and they interpreted it another? Apparently the evening was no big deal to them, apparently it wasn't important to see us. We hear from them when they're standing in line at the show, waiting to get in. They were there far too early for our tastes, and I think they were regretting their choice. I had this feeling of, "well, suck it up; that's what you get for failing to include us in your plans for the evening...you miss out on our concert expertise." I'm not proud of feeling that way, yet I know it's not helpful to judge how I feel, so i'm attempting to accept and allow my feelings to be what they are.

When we saw them at the show, they were really warm and receptive and cuddly. For a few seconds I was reminded of why I love them so much, which made it all the more painful when I remembered that I wasn't settled with them, and I wasn't ready to just jump back into being OK. I was also disappointed that they were there with so many people, namely tommy's family. I didn't really want to talk to them. I kinda looked away a lot and scanned the crowd. At one point everyone was in front of me, seemingly forgetting I was there. That felt awful. I couldn't take what I was feeling and wanted to enjoy the show, so I quietly moved away to the side of the stage where the crowd was thinner, and I'd actually be able to see Yelle. A few minutes later i saw Eric looking for me. I felt so relieved. He came over and wanted to stay with me, insisting that he didn't want/need to go back over to be with them.

Then there's the issue of being jealous of and experiencing hatred toward my husband. I FUCKING HATE HIM for how he handles shit like this. I am ALWAYS the one left holding all of the negative feelings when it comes time for confrontation. He sees them last night and suddenly everything's fine and forgotten, and I look like the crazy person. But at the same time, why can't I just be OK with being the one with the feelings and not need him to feel exactly like me? And then I think - well, that's fucking bullshit. He does feel the same as I, but he comes of as the fucking hero and the awesome one out of the two of us

Suffice it to say, today is not a day where I like and accept myself. Rather, I hate myself. I'm not sure what good I could possibly bring into relationships and friendships when I see myself as so crazy and unlovable. I guess i'm also regretting the fun I could've had with both of them. But I had fun with Tommy last Thursday night, and that didn't really do anything for us. So, who knows.

One strength I have? Being able to communicate with Tommy about how he made me feel with his text. I think I communicated my feelings well without being accusatory or super confrontational.

So, there's a question I dread.

All throughout my graduate education - a chapter of which is currently closing - our professors force us into constant self-reflection. In the last year and a half, they really enjoyed asking us to write essays on our strengths and weaknesses at our placements. My weaknesses? Easy. I could write novels about how I notice every single mistake I make with a client, as I'm making it. This, of course, prevents me from being more present with them, which I, of course, recognize immediately as yet another flaw...it's a super fun cycle. One could spin this into saying my strength is my (crippling) self-awareness, and it's true that often our biggest strength is also our weakness...but that's a topic for a different time. Back to weaknesses. I have a lot of them, chief among them may be my inability to accept myself and confidently speak about my strengths. I am much more comfortable with someone else recognizing and listing my strengths for me. How can I learn to do this for myself? Well, folks, the answer to that is the focus of this blog. Check back in to see my strengths and weaknesses battle it out.